Roxy Obama
"I have a Cinderella ballerina dress and I know how to use it."
A new candidate for the new generation. Aged 3 and already has better grammar than Dubya. Will unite the red and blue states into nice shades of pink and purple. Can spell WMD but not find any. Loves to dance around the issues.
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Redford Romney
"My parents said I could be anything but a Republican, so I am."
Aged 5 and in Kindergarten, he's learning to read words such as 'strategery' and 'truthiness.' Became a Republican not so much for the wars, torture or weak dollar but to attend a Grand Old Party. Loves cars, painting; anything with oil. Looking forward to a swearing-in if he can say "double trash-can."
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President Panang
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
(Although not eligible for re-election, Panang interprets the intelligence differently).
Will invade anywhere there's food. Denies global warming, evolution or any science without biscuits. Contributes twice the amount of carbon footprints. Dogged by questions of incompetence and arrogance, but what do you expect if you vote for a dog? Mission accomplished.
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Jennie Clinton
"It takes a village... to clean up the mess my family makes in one morning."
Her health care plan is a job at Macy's. Took the family to two campaign stops in Big Bear, one with skiing. Negotiating peace at home, working, and trying to read creates its own swing state. Hopes the greenhouse effect means good health food. Now saving to send the kids to electoral college.
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Andrew Giuliani
"¿Por qué no te callas?"
Running for office with a marathon time of 3:46. Helped Nikon shoot two DVDs, taught a workshop at the Sundance Resort, and the band played two gigs. Visited by brother Patrick and Emily. Wanted to be the "family values" Republican candidate but is not divorced enough. Will be nominated anyway since he's the only old white man.
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And now back to important news: Britney Spears.
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We support the unity ticket of Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich, if only for the jokes for next year's card.
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